So, anyone who lives in the Midwest knows that occasionally in the Spring we get a few tornado's. It's a fact of living in the area of the country, just like it's a fact that the east coast will get hurricanes, and the west coast will get earthquakes. So tornado season has begun in central Indiana, and although I like to think that I am a smart and prepared person, there is just no preparing for Mother Nature sometimes. Recently she's be kicking our butts! I don't care what the news said, I strongly believe that a tornado went over my house Monday, and several went around my town last night. I also had to sleep last night with no power. So how does any of this tie into me figuring out how to love myself? Well read on after the jump to find out. ;-)
As I believe I have mentioned before, I am a military brat. No not a brat like an annoying kid (although I know some who would argue that I am one of those too, Jen!) but a brat is a term for a dependent child of military personnel. So I am a proud Air Force Brat! One part of this life though is that you live in a lot of different locations. I was born in Alaska, no I'm not joking, I really was, it's on my birth certificate! I also lived in Virginia Beach, Virgina for some time. While there I remember a hurricane that came through. I sat in the hallway of our home, with my mother, father, sister, and our dog Mindy far past my bedtime under a blanket, hugging my teddy bear, Sarah Purple Bear...yes she was purple, and snuggling up against my mom. I don't know how long we sat in the hallway since I dozed off a few times but I remember thinking why was everyone was so scared? To me it just seemed like a really bad thunder storm, and I didn't get why we couldn't just go to bed and wake up in the morning to bright sun. Since those days my ideas have changed about severe weather. Maybe it's the innocence of childhood, but severe was a word and idea that had no meaning for me.
Flash forward to last night as I sat in my bedroom closet with my cat listening to the tornado sirens going off for the 5th time in a 5 hour period. There had already been three tornadoes that had hit surrounding cities just a few miles away from where I am, and this storm they had just put the warning out for was going to be the BIG storm. I could hear the wind beating around my apartment, and the lights flickered before they finally went out...truly cutting me off from the world it seemed. I pulled out the flashlight I keep in the closet for situations like this and clutched my phone. Although I knew that I was as safe as I could be at that moment, and I wasn't necessarily scared, I was worried. Then my phone rang, my mother has perfect timing, I guess that's what mothers intuition is. We talked for a few minutes before I got off the phone to try and save the battery in case it was a while before my power returned. Silence, and true darkness, leave you with nothing to do but think, and sometimes my mind can be a scary place to be. I realized that I wasn't so much afraid of the situation that I was in, the storm would pass, the power would return, and if anything did happen things can be replaced, that's why I pay for renters insurance every month! What I was afraid of was being alone. Previous tornado warnings when I lived at home I had my parents with me, in college I had friends and roommates with me, but I was alone this time. Although I love her, my kitty doesn't count as being with someone. I was scared because I had no one to lay on like I did with my mom during the hurricane, or friends who were just as nervous as I was about the situation. It was also a fear that since I was alone, who would know if I was hurt, or trapped. Hence the reason I clung to my phone like my lifeline, it was.
This isn't meant to be a sad post, or a woe is me post, this is a realization that I had. I'm single, not involved in a relationship, and I'm all right with that, and still am. The right person will come along at the right time, I'm a believer in fate. Being single isn't the issue though, being lonely is. I have lived in the town that I do for two years now, and haven't really made any connections with people from here. Sure I have gone out for drinks with people from my classes a few times, gone to graduate student events, and spent time out around time...but I don't make connections with people. The psychologist in me knows what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, but even being a psychologist doesn't change the fact that it's hard to change why I am the way I am. I love my friends who live in southern Indiana and Kentucky who I grew up with and went to school with, but I don't live in that area anymore, and although I need to keep those people in my life, they can't be the only people in my life. If I truly am going to change my life, and love myself for who I am, I need people around me to support me (and call to make sure I'm okay when tornado's come through, lol.). Although I have lost a lot of time here, where ever I end up going I need to be more conscious of forming a support system there. It wasn't just severe weather that came through last night, but severe emotions as well.
So I know that this was kind of a blah post, sorry...but in other news thousands of people will be traveling into this crazy weather for the Indy 500 this weekend! Okay I admit I watched it for the first time last year, and found it kind of boring, but hey it's a big deal here and it would be cool to go to it one day. My favorite part of last night was during news coverage between storms the news anchors were talking about the Indy 500 drivers in Indianapolis who were Tweeting about the weather. My favorite was one driver who said something to the nature of, "going to a hotel tonight, the trailers are all over the place in this wind." Made me think about the joke that tornadoes seek out trailer parks, I wonder if it's the same thing for RV parks in the middle of race tracks? lol. =)