I know it's been May since I last wrote a post, but to be honest things have been rather difficult again. Although a gigantic weight has been lifted off of my shoulders that has been there for almost three years now, I am still struggling with other aspects of my life.
One big dark cloud that has been hanging over my head has been employment. In case you didn't know the position I took in March didn't pan out for various reasons, meaning I'm back to working my two independent businesses, Wildtree and Handmade Heart. Although I'm becoming more active with these businesses by doing things such as selling at Farmers' Markets, I don't believe these businesses will ever be my sole sources of income. This means I need a bill paying job as well, and the search has been less than promising unfortunately. Over qualified, under qualified, not bilingual, problems with background checks, location of the job in relation to me, and over saturation of the job market have all been stumbling blocks. This means that I've had to place an expiration date on my Colorado life. Come January, when my lease expires, if I am not able to support myself, I will need to move back to Kentucky and live with my parents again. It's still not a guarantee that I'll find employment in Kentucky, or that I'll be able to live on a smaller income there. It'll just mean that I won't have the concern of how to pay rent, or utilities every month hanging over my head.
Running, and healthy eating have also fallen a bit by the wayside. Running has fallen out because I just haven't been motivated, and because of a recent scare with a woman being assaulted on the path I normally take. My healthy eating has fallen by the wayside primarily because I've gotten a bit lazy in my eating habits. Making a box of Mac and Cheese is faster than making curried chicken salad with creamed spinach and carrot juice. I'm the first to admit that I really do enjoy eating healthy, I just don't enjoy doing the work to eat healthy. I also need to stop telling myself that just because it's Organic, Whole Wheat Mac and Cheese it's not as bad for me. I recently noticed this lazy tendency in my eating, and I'm slowly trying to correct myself but stress doesn't help healthy eating.
As a result of my stress, I've had anxiety attacks. For those of you who have never had a true anxiety attack allow me to explain. It's not just an overwhelming fear, it's not crying, or feelings helpless. It's literally your body locking up in fear. Your heart beating so fast you can hear the blood rushing in your ears, shaking so much the floor is vibrating, nausea, numbness causing you to literally fall to the floor, muscles tightening so much you can't move them for hours after the attack, and shortness of breath so bad it feels like someone is smothering you with a pillow. There are other symptoms for anxiety attacks, but these are the ones I know from experience. These are the ones that give me paralyzing fear.
I haven't had an anxiety attack since I got home from a trip back to Kentucky to see my friends and family. Before I went back to see them though I was having them pretty regularly...almost weekly. Out of nowhere every emotion hits you, and then you panic, and then the attack begins. For me tears were the first sign, then I couldn't breathe. Living alone, having a panic attack, and not being able to breathe only make the attack that much scarier. Of course your first thought is "I'm dying!" when you have an attack, so being alone you begin to think "I'm going to die alone, and no one is going to know I died till the neighbors call the cops because my rotting body is stinking up the apartment!"
I never said you're rational during these attacks.
Because of these attacks I have sought medical help, and my focus has been on my emotional health and well being. The good news, I have confirmation I'm not crazy!!!! ;-) The bad news, until I gain more control over my emotions and deal with things I need to deal with, having another attack is a real possibility. I've been told I need to reteach my body how to relax, massage, meditation, yoga, hiking, movies, etc. I also have to reteach myself that even though some of these things may cost money, my health is worth the time and money to do them. Again that's hard since money is one of the primary triggers for a panic attack for me.
The point of this post was to give you an update, to remind us all that we're not perfect and always have to keep working at what we want, it's okay to admit that you need help, and sometimes we need to "spoil" ourselves for our own health. I'll try not to be so much of a stranger, but forgive me if I take some me time from the blog-o-sphere to take care of myself. :-)