I have mixed feelings when it comes to weddings and marriage. Yes I'm the guest that is crying during the ceremony. But not really for why you would think. I am honestly happy for the couple. Whether it is family, or friends I normally couldn't be more happy that they found the person who they love. But I normally am crying because I'm beginning to feel like I will never have that for myself. I'm watching something that will never happen for me. And that is both difficult, and sobering to swallow at such a happy event.
Now before anyone begins with the, "Liza there is someone out there for you, give it time!" and the "Stop being so down on yourself." hear me out.
I'm a 32 year old, independent, headstrong, guarded woman. I don't say these things as a negative about myself, but they are important things to know about me. In my experience most men want to be with a woman they can protect, that need them, and that they can save in some way. There is a very small percentage of men I've found that can handle someone who doesn't need them for those things. Men that truly want a companion, and a TRUE partner seem to be rare in my opinion. The thing is, this is the type of man I want...the type of man that I need to find. I will never want or need someone to "save me", but I do want and need someone to HELP ME save myself.
Yesterday I attended a wedding of two friends that truly have this type of relationship. The pastor of the ceremony even spoke of how the turning point of their relationship for them was when they made the conscious decision to start making decisions together rather than separately. To me, that was the moment the waterworks began, simply because I know it's rare for someone to find a love like that.
I'm not saying this won't ever happen for me, but what I am saying is that I am not a person that is going to settle for any relationship that is anything less than that. That's the hard thing. Knowing that I will not be okay with any relationship that is less than that, means that it may be a very long time before that happens, or it may never happen. That's why weddings create these mixed emotions for me, because I know how rare true love is, and when someone you know really finds it, it's a reminder for yourself that no matter how long you search, you may never find it. Even when you are one of the last single people in your circle of friends. True love, really is a rare thing, should be cherished, and searched for, and held onto when found.
So wedding season is upon me again, and I'm being reminded of all these things again, and I'm having so many emotions about it this year in particular. But hey, maybe next year I'm be talking about my own wedding. You never know when true love will find you, so even though I'm a bit sad at weddings of those that have truly found that one true love we all dream of, I can't stay upset, because if I do, I may miss my one chance to meet my own one love. <3