I've been sick a lot lately...and when I say a lot, I mean I don't think I've breathed out of my nose since December, a lot. Among other things this has taken it's toll on me. Today I woke up, coughed up a lung I think, and walked into my kitchen to make some breakfast. That's when I noticed the stack of dirty dishes in the sink, the dirty pots and pans still on the stove, and the lack of clean utensils in the drawer to eat my yogurt with. This morning it hit me like a freight train, I'm depressed again. I keep babbling on about how I hate being sick, and I'm frustrated with being sick, but the fact is it's no wonder I'm sick...I've stopped taking care of myself...of anything really.
So it's time to change, again. I've said before that I thought things would miraculously be perfect when I moved to Colorado, and the fact that they haven't been has slowed me down. Saturday will be one year from when I moved out here, and I think for a year I've just waited for things to fall into my lap. I need to change perspectives again, although I know this is where I'm supposed to be I need to stop questioning myself, I need to make this place my home, I need to fight to stay here!
I need to take care of myself...all of myself. I'm going to begin working out again once I can breathe, and eating healthier. Not to lose weight, or get in shape, but because I feel better when I do these things. I'm going to push for not just a survival job, but a career I love. I deserve to be doing something that makes me happy, and gives me a purpose. I'm going to get better with socializing...yeah I admit it, I have a bit of social anxiety disorder. I need to have people here that will support me, and that doesn't mean I forget about the people back home, I just have to have a different relationship with them. I need to begin going back to religious services. I need to gain my faith back, because I lost it a long time ago and have been afraid to really search for it ever since. Finally, I have to let go. I have to let go of people who are bringing me down, or who don't believe in me. I have to let go of the belief that things will just happen for me. I have to let go of my fears.
This blog has had many turning points, and this one is no different than some of the others. This turning point may be one of the biggest ones though. Emotionally, physically, and mentally I've been sinking and if I can't turn things around I'm scared that I may never be able to have another turning point again. I may lose faith in myself, and I may never recover if that happens. So it's time to go do the dishes, vacuum the living room, and send out some resumes. Wish me luck. =)