I admit it, I don't put everything up about this journey on this blog. You knew that already though. I mean we all don't share everything about ourselves with people the first time we meet them. If we did, those people wouldn't be talking to us for very long! The truth is that even though I share a lot about what I'm doing with you all, I still keep some things private. Call it what you will, but I tend to think of it as self preservation.
Now I imagine you are asking yourself where this came from, well it's because the past few weeks have not been the best for me. Most people talk about how they are wearing down, tired, or at the end of their rope at certain points in time when they have been working really hard. The truth is that I am none of these things, I'm just flat out exhausted and having a really hard time just getting dressed everyday, yet alone completing everything I need to in a day. This past holiday weekend I spent in my apartment, in my pajamas, watching television, or playing on my computer. The last time I ran was Saturday morning. So I'm in a funk, worn out, tired, or whatever other name you want to give it, but the fact is I'm now seeing that I'm allowing myself to slip back into a depression because I am allowing stress to put me there. I'm still attempting to complete work for classes that technically ended the first week of May, I'm trying to finish said class work before my intense summer class begins June 17 so that I can graduate the end of August, I'm stressing about finding a job since I haven't heard anything from the over 50 resumes I've sent out this past month, I have no idea where I'm going to be living when my lease expires July 31, I'm in a bit of a financial bind right now, and I'm missing my friends and family but I can't go see them until I get class work done or it will never get done! I'm falling into another pattern again, when I get overwhelmed and stressed out I shut down. For me it has always been easier to ignore the problems, than deal with them. Even though I know that they're not going to go away if I ignore them, I for some reason procrastinate about dealing with them. Yes this needs to stop, but this may be the most difficult bad habit I have to break through this entire journey.
To add insult to injury you might guess that the weigh in didn't go so well. As I've said before I weigh myself on days other than scheduled days just so I know how I'm doing. Saturday the 28th I was doing great, I was down 3 pounds and only 1 pound away from reaching my goal for the month...then the weekend happened. After eating things I knew better than to eat, and not exercising as much as I should have those 3 pounds came back with a vengeance. This morning when I got on the scale I had gained 2 of those pounds back. So my 2 week weight lose was only 1 pound. Although I know any loss is still a loss, I am still disappointed. This also means I didn't meat my goal of losing 12 pounds this month, I only lost 9. Still a great accomplishment and I'm not playing that down any, I just know that I could have done this if I had tried a bit more.
5/16-6/1 - 1.2 pounds
Month Of May - 9.2 pounds
Total Since March - 24.8 pounds
I know that I'm going to slip sometimes, but that still doesn't stop the guilt that I feel for slipping in the first place. So I know I need to get back on track. I need to start keeping my food journal again, I need to get up and run, I need to buckle down with school work, and all of this means I need to wrap up this blog post and get started so the next one is more positive.