Thursday, December 29, 2011

Climbing A Rope

There are days I wake up and I hate being an adult.  I know it seems a little cliche, but life really was a lot easier when I was a teenager.  You never would have convinced me of that though.  Hindsight really is 20/20.  Today I paid my bills, and I realized although I've loved the fact that I've had time off because the kids at school are on vacation, this also meant that I didn't get paid.  I'm literally broke for the first time in my life, and I hate it.  Although my parents are helping how they can, I hate asking.  I just feel so helpless.

What am I doing wrong?  I'm applying for jobs I'm qualified for, many I'm more than qualified for, and still get no response.  I'm beginning to feel like there is something wrong with me.  I checked my e-mail sent folder today...350 resume's sent in the past two months, and that's not counting the ones that I've printed out and mailed.  You'd think statistics would say that I'd at least have gotten a job interview from at least one of those!  I've been at the end of my rope for a little while now when it comes to employment, and the Theodore Roosevelt quote, "When you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on." only takes you so far.  Teddy I'm losing my grip, what do I do then?!

I'm beginning to get a little scared that I'm not going to be able to move next year to Colorado.  Although I really want to follow my heart and just go, I do have to have a bit of a plan.  If I can't find work here that allows me to pay my bills, what's the difference there?  If I can't find work there, I'm worse off than I am here.  I won't have my parents as a safety net.  So what do I do?

To be honest my first gut reaction is to eat.  I mean I cook/bake when I'm stressed, so eating what I make is only a natural progression...right?  Well I'm being a good girl.  I'm not about to ruin all of my hard work from 2011 in it's last days.  Why is my brain wired to go to food as a comfort?  This seems to be the hardest thing to change.  I've been able to change exercise habits, eating habits, and some other emotional habits, but this one eludes me.  I also seem to be struggling with dealing with my depression and stress.  Although I have made baby steps this year, I know that I need to make some bigger steps next year in order for me to gain control of my life back.

I'll give myself today.  I'll let myself be stressed, angry, and fed up with the annoyances of being an adult.  I'll let go of the rope for today.  Tomorrow though I'm going to make progress to not allow all of that to control me.  I'm going to get a grip back on that knot at the end of my rope and start climbing.  2012 only holds one resolution for me, stop allowing the fear of the bad things, control my life!

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