Even the best laid plans run into problems, so it really shouldn't be a surprise that the plan I had to move to Colorado wouldn't have problems too. Lets face it, I didn't have many plans coming here. I had hoped that being here would help things fall into place, and maybe I'm looking at things wrong and they are, they're just not the things I intended or thought would be happening now.
It's funny, a good friend lives in England and is finishing her PhD right now. She sent me a care package the other day full of Alice in Wonderland themed items. See when I went to visit her a few years ago we went to a place called Alice's Shop, a store entirely themed of Lewis Carroll's Through The Looking Glass Alice. Apparently Alice was a real girl, lived in Oxford, and frequented a soda shop that is now the store. She was Carroll's inspiration. Getting a bit off topic though...sorry. Anywho so my friend sent me quite a few items with the Alice theme, particularly a Mad Hatter theme. A Mad Hatter rubber duck (AWESOME!), Mad Hatter tea (yum!), a Alice In Wonderland mug (perfect to hold the tea in!), and other fun items. Shortly after receiving the gift I visited her blog and read about how she feels a bit like Alice right now, a stranger in a mad world. It made me think about my time so far in Colorado, I understand how my friend, and how Alice both feel.
Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE it here, but I am still very much an outsider looking in. Although I'm better, I don't think I'm still fully adjusted to the altitude. (Seriously Denver, Oxygen bars or something!!!) This means that when I go out for a walk, unlike a native, or someone established here for some time, I still get highly winded. I still don't have a job, something that is beginning to take it's toll both mentally and financially. I have met some people, but have yet to find that person that I truly connect with. I know that many of you reading these things are now saying, "Liza, give it time! Things will work out, you'll meet people, you'll get a job you love, and it takes time to adjust from sea level!" I'm an impatient person though.
It took a lot for me to come out here. You see moving was really the first decision I ever made that was more heart, than logic. I felt so strongly that for whatever reason I was supposed to be out here, that I came without a plan laid out for me. I had no clue where I was going to live, I didn't have a promise of a job for income, I didn't know anyone to have a support system. I just couldn't shake the feeling I was supposed to be here! So I threw caution to the wind, and just did it. I'd be lying if I didn't say it was scary, and still is. The fact is that I had to trust that it will work out, and I still do. After so much rejection though you do begin to question yourself though. After I went to the first really promising interview I've had since being here, and getting rejected this past week, I began to wonder what was so wrong with me that no one wants me.
I have to change the way I'm thinking though. I've said it before on this blog, 90% of how you feel and look is mental not physical. So maybe this weekend I need to remind myself of that and do some things for me, getting myself out there and "through the looking glass" so to say. I'm going to forever be an outsider unless I change the way I think about it. So I think I need to stop thinking "what's wrong with me?" and start thinking, "what's wrong with them that they don't want me?"
You know, I've read many times that people fall in love when they least expect it because they stopped looking and began just living their life. I completely think that this is a transferable idea. So I'm going to stop acting like a chicken with my head cut off working so hard to make this all work. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop looking for a job, or stop going out trying to meet people. It means that I'm going to take the stress off of myself that I'm a failure if all of this doesn't work out. If being here doesn't work, or I don't get a job I apply for, or I meet some people I hate, it doesn't mean that I failed at something that I thought I was supposed to do, it means that I tried something, but that there is something else that I am meant to do.
Things are still good here, and as long as I don't meet the Queen of Hearts I'll keep my head firmly planted on my shoulders and know that whatever happens I'm where I'm supposed to be right now. =)