Sunday, November 13, 2011

Chocolate Pudding

I found a cartoon recently that had a picture of a man standing in the kitchen stirring a pot, with his wife walking in behind him.  She asks him, "Why are you making pudding at 4 in the morning?"  His response..."Because I've lost control of my life."  Although I'm not making batches of pudding at 4am, I have lost a bit of control over my life.  I thought that when I went on my trip I would be able to figure everything out, I'd know where I was going, and what I was going to do.  That magically everything would fall into place and by the end of the trip I would have a job, and know when I would be moving.  I don't though, I still don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing.

This past week I got a sign.  I know it sounds cliche, but I believe that I belong in Colorado.  I really can't explain it, my heart just feels like I belong there.  So I'm making some tough choices right now, take a risk and go, with no job, and hope for the best.  Or be logical and wait till I have a job, and know what I'm doing.  A friend told me recently that you have to follow your heart sometimes, whether or not other people agree with it.  Part of me wants to agree, and part of me wants to say, well it worked out for you and that's why you say that!  I've just never been a huge risk taker, I've always taken calculated risks, and only if I know I'm going to succeed.

I think I need to fail some.  I think I need to stop taking calculated risks, and just take a risk.  That's a really scary thing to do.  I know though that every time I have come back to the Ohio Valley, I'm coming back to what's comfortable.  I'm also coming back to what I know, and resorting back to old habits.  It's hard not to!  Whenever my family would go and visit my mom's family in Western Pennsylvania it's kind of the same thing.  We joke that the way she speaks changes, and she says she has a difficult time because her mother will never see her as an adult.  I think being back in the same setting we grew up in, around the same people that knew us then, we can't help but resort back to old habits.  I don't want to be that person anymore though.  I worked so hard at changing, and feel like since I had to come back home I've lost all that ground I had gained.  I've even been fluctuating in my weight, because I can't keep a consistent program.  I know I need a change, but change is hard anytime.

When I moved to Bloomington, IN it was really the first time in my life I was on my own.  No dorm room, no built in social events, no parents supporting me.  Everything was up to me.  I was scared shit less!  For two years though I made it work, I made friends, I was able to pay my bills every month, I even did well in school, and began this journey.  I know it's time to make that big scary choice with my life right now.  Play it safe, or go all in and win big.  I'm not much of a gambler, but I think it's time to make the biggest wager I've ever made with my life.  I think the new year for me, means a new beginning in a new place.  Now I just have to do it.  =)

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