Learning to Ask for Help

Last time I got on a scale was July 2012.  After being told I was looking healthier and thinner I decided it was time to get back on a scale again.  So earlier this month I weighed myself, only to find that I was ten pounds lighter than I was in July!  This should have made me excited, I mean I had lost weight, shouldn't I be happy about that?!?!  The thing was I wasn't really happy about it, because unlike the people I told I had lost weight too, I knew how the weight had really come off...

There are really two reasons why I lost those ten pounds.  The first reason I imagine is because I have been sick for around 3 months now.  Everything from colds, ear infections, sinus infections, stomach problems, and various other health issues.  Let's face it, when you're sick you just don't feel like eating.  So not really the healthiest way to lose weight, but I imagine it's been a contributing factor.

I believe the bigger reason that I lost weight though was because I didn't have food to eat.  I haven't been shy about sharing that this past year has been difficult for me, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially.  It's difficult to share, but it's something more people need to understand which is why I'm sharing.  In August of last year I applied for, and was a part of, the Food Stamp Program.  I had gone for about a month eating one meal a day, and making the saltine crackers in my pantry stretch for as long as I could.  Realizing that I couldn't make things work anymore on my own was a difficult, and bitter pill to swallow.  I've said it before, and I will continue to say it, because it continues to be true.  If it wasn't for the continuing generosity of my parents I'd be living in a box on the streets of Denver.  Their generosity can only go so far though, times are tough for them too.  So when I still hadn't found work, my savings account was struggling, and my parents couldn't help more I decided it was time to ask for help.

Applying for any public assistance is a difficult process.  I know that for me I always had an image of someone who abused the system in my head, and I admit it even I have been guilty of judging people on public assistance.  Although there are people that abuse the system, they are the exception, not the rule.  Part of the application process is a personal interview, and when I went for mine there was a wide range of people sitting waiting for their interviews as well.  During my interview they informed me because I wasn't working at the time I would have to be a part of an employment program that would help me find work.  This program is a total other story (waste of time and resources in my opinion since they really don't help you find employment...but that rant is for another day).  After spending a day in an 8 hour employment course that I swear was 6.5 hours of, "How you need to put your criminal history on an application," and "These are employers that are felon friendly.  And one hour of, "This is a job application, and this is how you fill it out."  I was given my food stamps and told I would need to volunteer 30 hours a week at a location determined for me in order to remain active in the program.  Anyways this employment program is the reason I was only able to have food stamps for a short time.

I got a job.  You would think this was a good thing, and that everyone involved in the public assistance program would have been happy about that, but this wasn't the case.  My job doesn't guarantee a set amount of hours each week.  My hours vary from 10-30 hours a week, and I'm also paid slightly above federal minimum wage.  In Colorado you have to have a job with 30 hours or more a week, or that pays you a certain amount each week to be exempt from the employment program.  With my current job I wasn't meeting those criteria.  I was informed that I would need to continue volunteering 30 hours a week (30 minutes from my home) to continue receiving my benefits.  After finding that out I dropped out of the food stamp program.  Not because I disagreed with the volunteering aspect of the program, or because I didn't need the help in buying food, but because I couldn't see myself working 30 hours a week, volunteering 30 hours a week, and being able to afford the gas for everything!  I think their is a flaw in the system, and I now totally understand why we get the image of people on public assistance that we do.  I actually would have continued to receive my benefits had I not found a job, I feel like I was punished for trying to find a better situation for myself.  Again though, a story for another day.

I had to ask for help, because I was in a situation that was difficult, and still am.  Although I'm doing better now that I'm working, it's still not enough.  I've had to defer paying back my student loans from grad school because there was no way I could pay them.  I don't make enough with my job in a month to even cover my rent, yet alone my other costs of living.  I'm still having to ask for help...but I'm not going hungry anymore.  Since I weighed myself a few weeks ago, I have actually gained a pound.  In the past this would have upset me, I want to keep losing weight, but I also want to be healthy about it.  Even if Colorado never works out for me (which I hope really isn't the case!) I will not be afraid or ashamed to ask for help again.  Don't let your fears of being judged stop you from asking for help when you need it, whatever your situation.

Taking Care of Myself

I've been sick a lot lately...and when I say a lot, I mean I don't think I've breathed out of my nose since December, a lot.  Among other things this has taken it's toll on me.  Today I woke up, coughed up a lung I think, and walked into my kitchen to make some breakfast.  That's when I noticed the stack of dirty dishes in the sink, the dirty pots and pans still on the stove, and the lack of clean utensils in the drawer to eat my yogurt with.  This morning it hit me like a freight train, I'm depressed again.  I keep babbling on about how I hate being sick, and I'm frustrated with being sick, but the fact is it's no wonder I'm sick...I've stopped taking care of myself...of anything really.

So it's time to change, again.  I've said before that I thought things would miraculously be perfect when I moved to Colorado, and the fact that they haven't been has slowed me down.  Saturday will be one year from when I moved out here, and I think for a year I've just waited for things to fall into my lap.  I need to change perspectives again, although I know this is where I'm supposed to be I need to stop questioning myself, I need to make this place my home, I need to fight to stay here!

I need to take care of myself...all of myself.  I'm going to begin working out again once I can breathe, and eating healthier.  Not to lose weight, or get in shape, but because I feel better when I do these things.  I'm going to push for not just a survival job, but a career I love.  I deserve to be doing something that makes me happy, and gives me a purpose.  I'm going to get better with socializing...yeah I admit it, I have a bit of social anxiety disorder.  I need to have people here that will support me, and that doesn't mean I forget about the people back home, I just have to have a different relationship with them.  I need to begin going back to religious services.  I need to gain my faith back, because I lost it a long time ago and have been afraid to really search for it ever since.  Finally, I have to let go.  I have to let go of people who are bringing me down, or who don't believe in me.  I have to let go of the belief that things will just happen for me.  I have to let go of my fears.

This blog has had many turning points, and this one is no different than some of the others.  This turning point may be one of the biggest ones though.  Emotionally, physically, and mentally I've been sinking and if I can't turn things around I'm scared that I may never be able to have another turning point again.  I may lose faith in myself, and I may never recover if that happens.  So it's time to go do the dishes, vacuum the living room, and send out some resumes.  Wish me luck. =)

My Personal Opinion

I want to take a minute to talk about mental health, and the stigmas associated with it.  Friday morning in Connecticut here in the US a twenty year old man walked into an elementary school and began to fire a gun.  He killed 27 people...including students as young as 6 years old.  All of the United States is grieving, and many are asking how and why this happened.  Although I don't understand it myself, what I do understand is that the man who did this was very ill.

Often when tragedies like this happen the news media creates a circus around the suspect.  They gather all the information that they can about them, plaster their picture on the television, talk to neighbors and family friends, and try and find out as much as they can about the individual.  Living in Colorado where several mass shootings have happened I have seen this circus first hand.

As I have mentioned before, I studied Psychology in school.  The Psychologist in me analyzes when something like this happens.  I look at mass shooters such as James Holmes (Aurora, CO theater shooter), Michael Carneal (Paducah, KY high school shooter), Adam Lanza (Newtown, CT elementary school shooter), and many others in a different way I believe because of my education.  I look at these individuals as extremely ill individuals, and although many would say that, I believe that they weren't just "crazy".

Often we view mental illness as being someone who is "crazy", who we want to stay away from because we are scared of them, and who we can do nothing to help.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  I honestly believe that many of the individuals who commit acts such as this have serious undiagnosed mental illnesses.  After the Aurora theater shooting it was reported that officials called James Holmes' mother, who when informed of what happened responded "you have the right person".  It was also reported that neighbors of Adam Lanza stated that he "wasn't well".  People knew that these individuals had problems, but they were either too afraid, or didn't know how, to do anything about it.

I'm not saying that every person that we see who seems a bit off in our minds is going to go out and go on a shooting rampage.  What I am saying is that if we saw someone on the street with blood on their leg, walking with a limp, and cringing in pain most of us wouldn't just walk by them like we didn't see them.  Mental illness is a legitimate medical condition, it truly isn't just "in someones head".  Chemicals in the brain aren't absorbed, or being produced, or being over produced.  Messages from the brain get mixed up, or don't get sent to the right place.  There is honestly something wrong, and if our fingers got cut off we'd ask a doctor to reattach them we wouldn't just say "oh they'll get better in time it'll be fine."

If you look at mass shootings from an analytical perspective I believe that you can see a trend beginning in the 2000's.  Young shooters, teenagers and individuals in their 20's, and who have suffered a major life trauma recently.  Things such as being dismissed from school, recent family trauma such as a parental divorce, and significant bullying to name a few.  These are high stress situations, things most of us would have a difficult time dealing with.  I don't believe these individuals who "snap" and go on a rampage though do know how to deal with these situations at all.  I believe that an entire generation hasn't been given the tools to cope with disappointment, struggle and difficulty.  I'm not saying the situations that triggered these individuals weren't stressful, I'm just saying I don't think they had the emotional tools to deal with the stress they were under.  We have to fix this!

Gun control has become a big topic in the US due to the mass shootings that have happened.  To be honest I don't believe that's the biggest issue to be addressed out of this.  Honestly I believe that we need to address our mental health stigmas more than gun control.  Don't misunderstand me, I still believe that we need to look at how easy it is to obtain weapons in the US, but if we get people the help that they need I believe they will be less likely to commit the acts that have become commonplace here.  School Psychologists, and social and emotional programs are being cut from schools.  Parents are doing less parenting and expecting schools and caretakers to give their children the emotional support they should be receiving from them.  And we are telling more and more people to just "buck up" and "pull themselves up by their boot straps".

The emotional and psychological stress individuals are under today are more than there ever have been before.  Teenagers and young adults realize in this economy finding employment is, and will be difficult.  Supporting themselves has become one of the most difficult things to do.  Fear of getting sick because they can't afford health insurance and can no longer be on their parents.  Having to chose between paying rent and eating.  Not being able to afford to continue education.  Fear of having a family of their own they will have to find a way to support.  There are all common fears now that weren't there twenty years ago.  The world is changing, but we haven't changed the way we support future generations.

To me gun control isn't the issue, and won't stop this epidemic we have here.  Although I would one day love to see a mental health evaluation become part of the application process to obtain a gun, I don't believe it will happen.  The biggest issue American's need to take from these events in my eyes is the fact that we need to change mental health stigmas.  Get people the help that they need, and the tools that they need.  We need to stop being afraid of people who "scare" us because they may have a mental disorder, and rather pick them up and help them.

The mental health field needs to change too.  There are major differences between Counselors, Therapists, Psychologists, and Psychiatrist's.  Each one is equipped to help people in different ways, based on different needs.  Someone who needs to be medicated due to Multiple Personality Disorder a counselor isn't equipped to treat.  Recognize, maybe, but not treat.  The American Psychological Association enabling providers to have any diagnosis on a sliding scale in their new diagnostic manual only creates more fear about mental health.  They are allowing providers to say everyone can have a little bit of every condition.  The mental health field needs to be overhauled in order to help people get rid of the stigma associated with it.

These are my own personal opinions, and some may agree with me, and some may not.  I'm all right with that.  The fact is that I believe everyone knows something has to change here in the US to stop these events from happening.  Although we may not agree with what has to change, we can agree that change has to happen.  Please help and support change that does happen.  America needs to come together more than ever, and not have issues and changes happening pull us further apart.

My heart goes out to all those affected by any massacre that has happened.  No one should ever have to go through the pain of losing a loved one in a violent act. <3

Changes

I bet you thought that I had forgotten you. Nope, just been super busy between personal life events/drama, my new job, and keeping up with my crafting business through the holiday's I've just been a bit overwhelmed lately.  I can't tell you how many times I've begun a post, only to have to walk away fifteen minutes later.  Somehow if I don't sit down and get the post done and posted in one sitting, it just doesn't get done.  Sorry about that, but hopefully I can make it through this one and posted.

There are changes happening in my life (some good, some I wish weren't happening) and because of these changes this blog is going to change a bit too.  Yes this blog is still about discovering how to love myself for me, that will never change.  What makes us happy does change over time though.  For instance when I was six I'd say ice cream made me the happiest girl in the world.  Well ice cream still makes me happy at almost 30 years old, but other things make me happier than ice cream now like a day with no commitments so I can sleep past 6am, lol.  So naturally in the almost two years I've been doing this blog, with all the life changes that have happened, the blog needs to change too.

Although physical health and fitness are still a part of my life, they will no longer be the focus of the blog.  Yes there will be posts about them still, but right now I've made a move in my life to be more emotionally and spiritually fit as well.  This means that this blog, which is about me personally, is going to change as well.  Not big changes since I began to move in this direction last year about this time, but I guess I'll feel more comfortable posting about other things happening in my life on here now that I've said this change is happening.

So what's happening in my life now that is of note?  Well I did finally get a job in Denver!!!!  Although not full-time, and not totally in my field, it's at least something that helps me keep my head above water.  I'm hoping that this will open new doors for me in the long run though, and in the process I've been meeting some pretty cool people.  So yay for making more Denver connections!

I also have been working hard with my small business, Handmade Heart.  Although it's still not at a place I would love to see it at, I also know that right now as long as I can break even with it I'm doing well.  My big thing this year was making handmade gifts for my family and friends for the holiday's.  I will never be making that mistake again!!!!  All my free time recently has been taken up by making a mad dash to finish a quilt I began back in September for my sister's boyfriend!  Don't get me wrong, it's SUPER cute, fun, and I know he'll love it when it's done, but good grief!  I'm still not going to have it totally finished before I have to mail it for Christmas, but hopefully he'll get the idea.  Other than personal projects though the business seems to be getting out there some and I love that people enjoy the things I make.

Finally my personal life...well I unfortunately can't talk about a lot happening in that department.  There are some good things, and some bad things happening that are all stressful, exciting, and saddening.  Those close to me know what these things are, and are being super supportive.  As I said though, for various reasons I can't talk about them.  What I can talk about though is the fact that I will be having my first non-familial visitor come in two weeks!!!!!  My good friend Jennifer is coming to see me at the end of the year.  We will ring in the new year together in Denver (or wherever in Colorado we end up going)!  It's been almost a year since I've seen Jennifer so I'm beyond excited to see her.  She's not only my best friend, but my sorority sister (adopted little sister as a matter of fact), former roommate, and former co-worker.  Basically she's as close to family to me as you can get without being actually related!!!  While Jennifer's here I'm going to try and talk her into moving here...Or if all else fails I'll just not take her to the airport to go back home, lol.  Since I can't travel home this month, and I couldn't for Thanksgiving either, seeing a face from back there in person will be really nice!

Jennifer and I summer 2011

I will attempt to keep this blog more updated than I have been, especially now that there is a new focus.  =)

Eggplant Manicotti Recipe

*** If you've found this site via Pinterest, Welcome! I encourage you to take a look at the rest of this blog to find more posts about clean eating, healthy choices, exercise, and most importantly...how I've been learning to find love and happiness for myself. Enjoy the recipe! =) ***

I love food...this should be a well known fact by now if you've been reading this blog at all.  I love cooking, I love eating, I love trying new things, most of all I love how food has a tendency to bring people together.  For good or bad, food is a comfort for many of us.

When my grandmother passed away people brought food to the funeral home for my family to eat.  When my grandfather passed away people brought food to my grandmothers home.  When my mother had surgery people brought food to my parents house.  When I've been sick friends have brought food to my apartment for me so I didn't have to cook when not feeling well.  Finally when a good friend of mine had her first child her fridge was so full of food she literally didn't have to go shopping or out to eat for over a month!  Let's face it, when something happens to someone we have a tendency to bring them food to help.  I see nothing wrong with this, as a matter of fact I think that it can be a huge help sometimes.

I also know that I can only eat so many casseroles before they go bad though.  This is why I have been trying to work on a meal that would freeze well for situations like this so that the individual can just freeze it and pull it out when they have eaten all the other dishes.  I wanted it to be healthy too, so no cream of ick soup in it at all!!!  Also I wanted to make something so on those lazy days when I just don't feel like cooking I can just toss it in the oven and have dinner!  (Yes I can be super lazy when I want to be! lol)

So I decided to tweak a recipe I found in Rocco DiSpirito's cookbook, "Now Eat This!".  I made the dish larger (to feed more people), and added a bit more too it since I felt like it needed some protein.  So I'm sharing with you my adapted recipe for Eggplant Manicotti which I think it pretty amazing!  Enjoy, and let me know what you think!  =)


Eggplant Manicotti
 8 Servings

Ingredients:
2 Large Eggplants
2 Cups Ricotta (You can also use cream cheese, or cottage cheese if you can't get ricotta or don't like it.)
1 Cup Parmesan
1 Cup Chopped Fresh Basil
1 Jar Pasta Sauce (I jazz up jar sauce with a tablespoon of Italian seasoning, 2 minced garlic cloves, and a tablespoon of dried onion.  This is totally optional though!)
1 lbs. Ground Beef (You could also use ground turkey for a leaner option)
1.5 Cups Mozzarella
Salt & Pepper to taste

• Preheat your oven to 450 degrees, and spray 2 baking sheets with non-stick spray.
• Cut off the ends of each eggplant and then slice lengthwise into 8 slices about 1/4 of an inch thick.
• Lay the eggplant slices in one layer onto the prepared baking sheets.
• Season the eggplant with salt and pepper and either spray with non-stick spray or sprinkle with a light coating of oil.
• Roast the eggplant in the oven until tender, approximately 20 minutes.  ***Note that if your slices are not equally thick some may roast faster than others so pull thin slices out before they burn!***

• Once the eggplant is roasted allow it to cool, outside the oven, slightly while you prepare the filling and sauce.  (Leave the oven on if you are not planning to freeze this meal for later!)
• Brown ground beef in a skillet, and drain fat once cooked.

• Add pasta sauce to beef and allow to heat together.

• Combine the ricotta, 1/2 Cup of the Parmesan, and the basil in a bowl.  Season this mixture with salt and pepper to taste.  (You could also add the meat to this mixture rather than the sauce if you want, but it does thin out your cheese mixture.)

• Place one third of the sauce on the bottom of a 8"x11" baking dish and spread it out.
• Lay a roasted eggplant slice on a work surface and spoon some of the cheese mixture onto the bottom of it.  Roll up the slice encasing the filling in the eggplant.

•  Place the completed roll seam side down into the baking dish on top of the sauce.

• Repeat for all pieces of eggplant and then cover with the remaining sauce.
• Sprinkle the top with the remaining Parmesan cheese and the mozzarella cheese.

Yes, this is more cheese on top than the recipe states...I have a thing for cheese.

At this point you can cover and freeze the dish for you to finish cooking later, or to give for someone to finish.

To finish cooking bake at 450 degrees till the cheese and filling are bubbly and warm.  About 30-45 minutes.  Serve immediately.

Never Stop Feeling

Life is hard...

Why does no one tell you this when you are 10 and think that the fact that the kid that sits behind you in class and tugs on your hair is the most difficult thing you will ever have to deal with.  Or when you're 15 and think that when your parents tell you, you can't go out with your friends till you finish your homework it's them being "so unfair".  Or when you're 18 and you ask a guy to go to Prom with you and he turns you down leaving you to go alone.  Or when you're in your 20's and your first real relationship ends and you think the world is ending.  Why does no one tell you that there are things in this world that will be more difficult to deal with than those.  Or if they do tell you, why don't you believe them?

Along the same lines, why does no one tell you how wonderful things can get too?  And again, if they do, why do we insist on not believing them?

Right now as most of you know from reading previous posts, and from talking to me personally, things are really hard for me.  Everything from being sick, to stressing over money, to family and social life issues are challenging my resilience.  Honestly there are days I just cry...and I'm not talking about little woe is me tears.  I'm talking big crocodile, I can't breathe, my nose is a faucet, ugly tears.  As much as I hate that, I know that the alternative is not feeling anything and shutting down, and that scares me more than the tears.  I know that as long as I am crying, I'm still feeling, and even if I don't like to feel that way if I'm still feeling I'm alive.

This week, September 10-14, is National Suicide Prevention week here in the United States.  This week I am being reminded of how things could have been so different for me...and my friends and family.

Some people are going to find this post particularly difficult to read, because it's not something that I openly share or talk about.  It's also not something that I hide or am ashamed of either.  It's something I need to say though.

I have attempted suicide.

I obviously failed in my attempts or I wouldn't be telling this story now.  The fact is that there is such a stigma associated with mental health that I don't share this information openly.  I sometimes feel that people would judge me, and look down on me if they knew that I have demons that I battle with.  I've learned though that by remaining silent I am not being myself...I'm also not helping others who are struggling know that they are not alone.

I won't go into great detail about the how and why of my attempts (and yes there has been more than one), because to be honest that isn't the import part of why I am sharing this.  I decided that I wanted to study Psychology I think because I wanted to understand myself.  I wanted to know why I go through times where I just feel like I can't handle one more thing in my life.  I wanted to understand if there was some magic link that would appear telling me that I felt this way, because of some mysterious part of the brain we have yet to understand.  I wanted an answer.  The fact is that in studying Psychology I ended up with more questions about myself than answers.  The brain still is very much a mystery, and even though we may understand some of it, we will never fully understand it since everyone's is different.

For me when I attempted suicide the main thing I wanted was to stop the pain and overwhelming feelings I was having.  I didn't want to feel anymore.  I've learned though that without those overwhelming feelings, without that horrible pain and sadness, I wouldn't understand the good emotions I have too.  All the happiness, pride, and love I have had and will continue to have in my life.

Life is hard, but life is amazing too.

Anyone in education is familiar with a bell curve.  That's the old belief that the distribution of grades should resemble a bell shape with a few A's and F's, a few more B's and D's, and the most students receiving a C.  In academics I've never liked this, but for an emotional life cycle I do.  I think that there are highs and lows and you have to get through the lows before you can get to the highs, and there are always going to be both in life.  Sometimes the lows are really low, and sometimes the highs are really high, but they balance each other out eventually and then you end up in the middle section of contentment.

Everything in my life is not perfect, it never will be.  I will always look back at that kid in school who tugged on my hair and think, "why did I think that was the most difficult thing I would ever have to deal with?  I'd go back there in a minute!"  I will always think that as I get older things get more difficult.  I know though that they don't, they are just different, and sometimes different is good, and sometimes it isn't.

One thing I do know for certain though.  Although I may feel like I want the pain to end again, and want the overwhelming feelings to go away.  I will NEVER go back to the place where I feel like ending my life is the solution.  I know I have friends and family that love me, and will help me in any way that they can.  The thought that I almost left them before my time was up, because of temporary problems pains me.  I couldn't bare leaving them with that kind of pain.  It's been years since I last attempted, and I know now that everyday I wake up is a gift I almost took away from myself.

Everyday you wake up you're one step closer to things getting better, just hang on.  <3

Running Song

This is my new favorite running song.  ;-)